Understanding Attachment: Nurturing Secure Bonds from Childhood to Adulthood
‘Your happiness should come from within! You shouldn’t be dependent on your partner. You are responsible for your own well-being. You should learn not to allow your inner peace to be disturbed by those closest to you.’
We’ve all heard, been given or perhaps passed along this relationship advice to friends.
But I disagree! Let me tell you why:
Popular culture psychology has pulled this relationship advice from the co-dependency movement and applied it in broad strokes to all relationships. Don’t get me wrong, it is extremely helpful for co-dependent persons in dealing with family members who suffer from substance abuse, but it is misleading and even damaging when applied to all relationships.
The “dependency paradox”:
I recently read a book called “Attached: The new science of adult attachment and how it can help you find – and keep – love” by Amir Levine, M.D. and Rachel S.F. Heller, M.A. This book introduced me to the “dependency paradox” which suggests that the more effectively dependent people are on one another, the more independent and daring they become.
Meaning dependency is not a bad thing in intimate relationships!
We live in a culture that exalts independence and looks down on basic needs for intimacy. However, Bowlby established that attachment is an integral part of human behaviour throughout the entire lifespan. Throughout our lives we need intimate connection and the reassurance of our partner’s availability.
Research demonstrates that biologically we are dependent on one another. Studies show that our intimate partners play a role in regulating our blood pressure, heart rate, breathing and hormone levels in our blood.
Studies have also demonstrated that secure intimate partner relationships can regulate our emotional response in stressful situations. So when two people form an intimate relationship, their proximity and availability to one another influences the other’s stress response. In effect, they regulate each other’s psychological and emotional well-being.
Levine and Heller state, “Our partners powerfully affect our ability to thrive in the world. There is no way around that. Not only do they influence how we feel about ourselves but also the degree to which we believe in ourselves and whether we will attempt to achieve our hopes and dreams.”
So let’s unpack attachment, the foundation of our ability to relate and connect within intimate relationships:
Attachment is a fundamental aspect of human relationships that shapes our emotional development and impacts the way we connect with others throughout our lives. It refers to the emotional bond that forms between an infant and their primary caregivers which serves as the foundation for future relationships and interactions. Attachment styles influence the way we perceive ourselves, our partners, and our relationships, and they play a crucial role in determining our emotional well-being throughout our lifespan.
Attachment Styles:
Attachment styles were first proposed by psychologist John Bowlby and later expanded upon by Mary Ainsworth through her famous "Strange Situation" study. There are four main attachment styles:
Secure Attachment: Individuals with secure attachment feel comfortable with emotional intimacy and are able to seek support from their partners when needed. They trust their caregivers and believe in their availability and responsiveness. Their caregivers were sensitive, available and responsive.
Anxious Preoccupied Attachment: Those with this attachment style tend to be overly concerned about their relationships, often fearing rejection or abandonment. They seek constant reassurance and validation from their partners. Their caregivers were inconsistently responsive.
Dismissive Avoidant Attachment: Individuals with this style value independence and self-sufficiency. They may avoid getting too close to others and downplay the importance of emotional intimacy. Their caregivers were distant, rigid and unresponsive.
Fearful Avoidant (Disorganized) Attachment: This style is characterized by a mix of anxious and avoidant behaviors. Individuals with this attachment style may desire emotional closeness but also fear getting hurt, leading to conflicting and unpredictable behaviors. Their caregivers were frightening.
Promoting Secure Attachment in Childhood:
Parents and caregivers play a pivotal role in nurturing secure attachment in children. They must provide for their child’s primary needs in the following ways:
Responsive Caregiving: Being responsive to a child's needs helps them develop a sense of trust in their caregivers and the world around them.
Consistency: Consistent routines and caregiving practices create a stable and predictable environment that reinforces security.
Emotional Availability: Caregivers should express love, affection, and empathy to help children develop a healthy emotional vocabulary.
Secure Base: Encouraging exploration while offering a safe base to return to fosters independence and confidence.
Benefits of Secure Attachment:
Secure attachment has far-reaching positive effects on various aspects of an individual's life:
Emotional Regulation: Securely attached individuals are more adept at managing their emotions and handling stress. They have a strong foundation of support to fall back on during challenging times.
Healthy Relationships: Those with secure attachment styles tend to establish and maintain healthier, more satisfying relationships. They are better at communication, conflict resolution, and mutual support.
Self-Esteem: Secure attachment fosters a sense of worthiness and self-confidence, as individuals have experienced consistent care and validation from their caregivers.
Exploration and Curiosity: Children with secure attachments are more inclined to explore their environment, as they have a secure base to return to when needed.
Challenges of Insecure Attachment in Adult Relationships:
Insecure attachment styles can lead to challenges in adult relationships:
Anxiety and Jealousy: Anxious attachment can result in excessive worrying about the relationship's stability and feelings of jealousy.
Avoidance of Intimacy: Avoidant attachment may lead to difficulties in forming deep emotional connections, often manifesting as a fear of getting too close.
Communication Issues: both insecure attachment styles can hinder effective communication, making it harder to express needs, feelings, and concerns.
Moving towards Secure Attachment in Adulthood:
While attachment styles established in childhood can influence adult relationships, there are a variety of factors including life experience and subsequent intimate relationships (including additional caregivers, friends, partners) which contribute to one’s attachment style in adulthood. This means that it is possible to work towards a more secure attachment using the following skills and supports:
Self-Awareness: Recognize your attachment style and its impact on your relationships. Understand the origins of your behaviors and reactions. Noticing your impulses is the first step to being able to make conscious choices rather than being controlled by unconscious automatic ways of thinking and reacting.
Seek secure relationships: People with secure attachment styles tend to make their anxious and avoidant partners more secure as well, whereas anxious-avoidance partners will exacerbate one another’s insecurities.
Therapy: Seeking therapy can help individuals address underlying issues and develop healthier relationship patterns.
Communication Skills: Learn effective communication techniques to express your needs and emotions to your partner.
Mindfulness and Self-Care: Practices like mindfulness can help manage anxious thoughts and foster self-compassion.
Building Trust: Engage in activities that build trust and closeness in your relationship. Consistency and emotional support are key.
Conclusion:
In conclusion, attachment styles significantly influence how we form and maintain relationships throughout our lives. While early attachment experiences lay the foundation, it's possible to develop more secure attachment patterns through self-awareness, forming healthy relationships, and therapeutic interventions. By understanding attachment, we can navigate our relationships with greater empathy and emotional regulation, contributing to one another’s overall well-being.