Boundaries
Boundaries are essential to our lives. They help create a safe space for individuals to live and interact with others. They define who we are, what we value, what we are willing to accept and what we are not willing to accept. They serve as limits that protect us, preserve our self-worth, and allow us to experience healthy, mutually respectful relationships.
Boundaries define responsibility for what is ours and what is not ours to take care of. When we take ownership over what is ours, we regain power over what is within our control, and we learn to accept that which is outside our control. Within these bounds, we can exercise and experience freedom!
Boundaries are like an invisible fence that marks the territory of one’s mental, emotional, physical and spiritual domain. Within the boundaries of your life there are your feelings, attitudes, behaviours, choices, limits, talents, thoughts, desires, loves, and values. All these things are your responsibility, they lie within what Dr. Henry Cloud and Dr. John Townsend call ‘the property of your soul.’[1] That is your domain, it is your job to steward it. Therefore, blame cannot be passed that, ‘he made me do it’ or, ‘she made me feel this way.’
I often use the metaphor of a yard, borrowed from Dr. Cloud and Dr. Townsend’s book “Boundaries”[2], when discussing boundaries with my clients. It goes like this: Everything within your yard is your responsibility. You have the freedom to do whatever you choose within your yard. You also have a responsibility to maintain it. If there is a problem that occurs within your yard, it is yours to fix. You do not, however, have the ability to decide what your neighbor does in their yard. Even though, what they choose to do in their yard may have a negative impact on you. Regardless of your neighbour’s choices, all you have control and responsibility for is what lies within your yard.
For example, my brother and his family recently bought a cottage. Our extended family called it “The Crazy Cottage” because the previous owners had really made it their own. Every room in that cottage had a different theme. The hallway was an Egyptian theme with a full-sized sarcophagus, the bathroom was a Dr. Seuss theme with the sink in the center of the room and pipping going every which way, there was a medieval times themed room with a dragon painted on the ceiling and swords on the walls, and the kitchen was kitted out in Coca Cola everything like a 60’s diner but extreme. Now these previous owners, were able to do whatever they wanted within their cottage and yard because they owned it. It didn’t matter whether their neighbors liked it or not. If they felt that the sight of the tacky tiki bar ruined their relaxing cottage experience, that was the neighbour’s problem to resolve, they may need to add a few shrubs in their yard to change their outlook.
The previous owners of “The Crazy Cottage” were exercising their creative freedoms within the boundaries of what they owned. And that’s just it, when we take responsibility for what is within our ‘yard’ we can experience freedom! For example, if I am angry, it is my anger and I have to take responsibility for it. Someone else may have provoked me, but it exists within my ‘yard,’ so it is my problem. What they did to provoke me (their behaviour) is their problem, but my feelings are my responsibility. This is a simple concept, but a difficult practice. However, the rewards for mastering this are great.
When we take responsibility for our feelings rather than blaming someone else, we no longer allow their choices or behaviours to control us. We regain control and take ownership over our lives. They may continue to make negative choices, but we can experience a freedom to thrive despite their choices or willingness to change. However, if we continue to give control over to others, allowing their behaviours to impact our thoughts, feelings, attitudes, behaviours, etc. then we will remain a victim of their irresponsibility. Boundaries allow us to take responsibility for what is ours, when we take ownership of it, we can do something about. We do not have to allow another persons’ irresponsibility to impact our freedom and we do not have control over what another person does within their boundaries. When we exercise responsibility over only what is ours, we can experience freedom.
Steps to creating healthy boundaries
1. Identify where you need boundaries. Consider your mental, emotional, physical, and spiritual boundaries. Review the list of things that fall within the ‘property of your soul.’ Are there any areas or relationships in your life where you feel stuck in an emotion; do you feel taken advantage of, victimized, resentful, angry, or envious?
2. Take ownership. Remember the metaphor of the ‘yard.’ What is your responsibility to steward? What do you need to take ownership of so that you can regain control?
3. Respect others’ boundaries. What is outside your control? What lies in your neighbours’ yards? Respecting others ownership over their responsibilities will release you from feeling responsible for other people’s problems and allow them to take responsibility and experience freedom too!
4. Communicate assertively. When you need to communicate a boundary, be confident, be respectful and be clear. It is helpful to communicate a boundary before you need to enforce it. Choose a time when you feel calm and the person you are sharing your boundary with will be most receptive. Avoid blaming, shaming, or lecturing. Explain the limit, the positive need/value you are reinforcing and the action you will take. For example, “I will not allow you to continue to speak to me disrespectfully. I value myself and deserve respect. If you choose to use any derogatory language towards me, I will leave the room until you can speak respectfully to me.”
5. Enforce your boundaries. This means deciding what action you will take if your boundaries are violated, even if it means facing conflict or disappointment, and following through. An important rule to remember is that you cannot control what others do. Therefore, the consequence of a boundary being violated will require you to take action. For example, if you decide you will not accept derogatory comments towards yourself in a relationship, you cannot impose a consequence on your partner who makes these comments, but you can leave the room until your partner can speak to you respectfully.
Identifying and practicing healthy boundaries can be stressful and emotionally exhausting. It can also be challenging for those around you who are learning to adapt to your new boundaries. If you are unsure about what falls within your ‘yard,’ how to enforce your boundaries, or how to support your relationships as you practice setting healthy boundaries then seek support. A counsellor can guide and empower you through the process!
[1] Cloud, H. & Townsend, J. (2002). Retrieved from https://www.cloudtownsend.com/scoop-on-boundaries/
[2] Cloud, H. & Townsend, J. (1992) Boundaries: When to say yes,when to say no to take control of your life. Zondervan