How to Raise an Emotionally Intelligent Child
Raising emotionally intelligent children is crucial for their development and well-being. Emotionally intelligent children are able to effectively understand, express and regulate their emotions, as well as empathize with others. This means that they are better equipped to handle stress, communicate effectively, and form healthy relationships as they get older.
Dr. Daniel Siegal offers practical advice for parents on how to raise emotionally intelligent children in his books, “The Whole-Brain Child,” “The Yes Brain,” “The Power of Showing Up,” “No Drama Discipline,” and “Parenting from the Inside Out.” As a parent, a counsellor for children and families, and a big fan-girl of Dr. Dan Siegel, I have come to learn that there are many things parents can do to support their children in growing these skills. Here are the top 5 tips I have gleaned for raising emotionally intelligent children based on the work of Dr. Daniel Siegel:
1. Nurture a secure attachment: Building a secure attachment with your children through responsive and nurturing caregiving will provide the context in which they feel safe enough to explore and learn about their emotions. Secure attachment bonds are formed when parents respond to the needs of their children and provide a secure base for them to then go out and explore their world. Parents can support a secure attachment relationship by prioritizing for the child’s physical and emotional safety, helping the child feel seen by attuning to their inner world, and soothing their distress first through co-regulation which supports the eventual development of self-regulation (read “The Power of Showing Up” for more information and examples).
2. Model emotional intelligence: First, reflect on your own childhood experiences. How you make sense of these experiences has a profound effect on how you parent. Self-reflection can help you become aware of how your current reactions are impacted by past experiences and free you from these constraints to respond in ways that enable your children to thrive. Secondly, children learn by example, so your ability to regulate your emotions, communicate effectively and have empathy for others will set the stage for your child’s emotional development. Name your feelings, demonstrate self-compassion, talk aloud about how you are going to take care of your own feelings. And as Dr. Daniel Siegel would say ‘repair, repair, repair,’ when there is a breach in your relationship apologize, model empathy, and practice problem solving with your child (read “Parenting from the Inside Out” for more information and examples).
3. Grow their awareness through mindfulness: Mindfulness is the ability to be present and aware in the moment without judgment. Teaching a child to be mindful can help them become more self-aware and better able to regulate their emotions, but before a child can understand and change their inner experiences they must first become aware of their inner experiences. Simple practices such as deep breathing, directing ones focus to their breath, and body scanning, directing ones focus to their internal sensations, can be incorporated into a child’s daily routine to grow these skills. Dr. Daniel Siegel expands on this topic with his concept of ‘Mindsight’ which includes practices that teach children to calm themselves and focus their attention where they want (read “The Whole-Brain Child” for more information and examples).
4. Encourage emotional expression: Children need to feel safe to experience and express their emotions, both positive and negative. Recognize that behaviour is communication and encourage play and creativity. Play allows children to express their emotions in a safe and healthy way while creativity helps them to develop their imagination and problem solve. You can also help your child to talk about their feelings. One of Dr. Daniel Siegel’s strategies is called ‘Name it to Tame it.’ Helping your child identify and make sense of their emotions will help them feel more in control of their emotions. Naming, understanding and learning to effectively express their emotions is a crucial step for a child in learning to regulate their emotions (read “The Whole Brain-Child” for more information and examples).
5. Prioritize connection: We are wired for connection! Dr. Daniel Siegel uses the phrase, ‘Connect and Redirect’ to remind parents to connect first emotionally, this supports the child in moving into a receptive state, then teach any relevant lessons. Additionally, strong, positive connections with parents and important caregivers are essential for a child’s emotional well-being, fostering a sense of safety and belonging, and creating expectations about relationships that will guide them throughout their life. Create a context in which your child can form positive relationships with attachment figures including significant friends and family. Make time for family activities that are fun and foster closeness (read “No Drama Discipline” for more information and examples).
Nurturing emotional intelligence in our children builds a strong foundation for their overall well-being and success in life. However, emotional intelligence is an ongoing process. It takes time, patience and consistency to nurture it in children. Remember, as Dr. Daniel Siegel would say, our children’s brains are still ‘under construction’ so don’t expect them to always be able to regulate their emotions and make good decisions. Instead, treat every experience as a learning opportunity!
Consider learning more by picking up one of Dr. Daniel Siegel’s books on parenting or start now by incorporating just one of these tips into your parenting approach.